Not a Suicidal Note

Today has been a miserable day for me.  If only I could break my monitor but I couldn't. It's too expensive to burst my anger. I'm so helpless. I don't know how to struggle to this way of life. I've been sick and tired. If only killing myself is so easy. If only cutting my wrist is painless. The heartache is too painful to handle. I let myself cry for a moment and I felt those tears ran down like a hot lava coming from a furious volcano. It was so hot that it burned my cheeks. It blinded me. What the hell! But heartache is harder to endure. So thankful that my hanky is always there for me to wipe my tears. But it never covered all the liquid of sorrow I spontaneously bursted out. 

I don't talk about a gf-bf relationship. I don't talk about a player breaking my heart. I don't talk about a third party ruining my love story. I don't talk about a girl flirting with my significant other. It's just that I'm tired of my life. If only I could turn back the time and go back to my childhood where the only pain that I ever get comes from the wound on my knees everytime I climbed trees. I want to go back to the times when my classmate broke my favorite glass (she intentionally throw my bag where I kept my glass on the floor). My mother never scolded me when she learned that my glass has been broken. (She is so meticulous about every little thing in our house. Even the stuff I use in school.) Instead, she told me, "I'll give  you a prettier glass." That was an awesome moment I'll never forget.

As I remember my mom, I couldn't help myself but to compare myself with the glass. I am a glass - a fragile thing; so delicate. If it's broken, it's hard to bring back the pieces and make it whole again. I've been broken a myriad of times and there were a lot of failures in my life. There were times when I was so distress and felt lost. But I thank my family and God for guiding me and giving me hope to live my life without trying to kill myself. 

Maybe, every person in this world, somehow, felt the way I feel right now. Nobody lives a perfect life. There are ups and down. But at the end of the day, we've learned a thing or two. 

Mood: sad, nostalgic
Music: All That I've Got - The Used, Only One - Yellowcard
Food: Marty's Cracklin'
Drinks: Tang Orange Juice